We have all been there, when we're fed up with where we're at in our lives and decide to make a change. Then all of a sudden we take a step in the right direction and we feel completely lost!! I have some good news, you aren't lost, you might just be going through glowing pains!
I always waited for the day I'd get growing pains as a kid...they never came #iwishiwasalittlebittaller #iwishiwasaballer, but instead I carry shame and a habit of blame that perpetually makes my energy a little bit smaller. Well, that was the old version of myself. Isn't it funny that I wanted pain...I guess I have always liked experiencing life first hand.
So I kinda got my growing pains in a spiritual way. I feel like I've been through so many evolutions and challenges in my short 27 years of this lifetime. I like to refer to them as glow ups, because each time I am glowing brighter and brighter.
The glow up sounds like this jolly good time. Like ooo yeah you're watching an enticing commercial where they show a woman that has an unattainable level of beauty, barely clothed, eating a decadent meal, and laughing uncontrollably. She is sitting on the edge of an infinity pool in Bora Bora with her sexy hubby. & We perceive her to have no problems, because all we're seeing is her "perfection". Wellllllllll that may be part/ the aftermath of a glow up. However, I feel like the part that isn't discussed enough is the glowing pains.
What are glowing pains?!
The space between who you are and who you are becoming.
Taking that first step, after deciding to make a big change in your life.
The vast ocean of water you must cross before reaching the magical island.
and what I've learned is....
Change = loss
Even when I am proud of the change and even if it has taken me years to make this change.
I was like no, no, no, no. This isn't how it's supposed to go. I am doing the right thing, I am putting in "the work" and I am trying. C'mon. It can't still be this hard when I'm doing my bestness (my friend made up this remarkable word).
Yet grieving can often be part of the process and so natural. & most importantly, it's important to feel that grief. Let it move through you. Trusting and knowing that your body is wise and can process these emotions. That they came here for a purpose and always bring you back home, to your center (if you haven't been there, it's this fluffy, liberating, and expansive space of love). Trust your feelings. and simply take time to grieve your old versions of yourself/ that person/ the outcome/ whatever you let go of.
During this part, I find I want to grasp. *My internal southern old grandpa voice goes* Hold on tight honey, because we can feel the change brewing in our bones and we don't wanna surrender to the unknown! We looooooove whats comfortable. Even if our comfort is pain, suffering, abuse, abandonment, discomfort and all those other fun thangs we've been through.
This is where I would insert a made-up song if my life were a movie, "GLOW GLOW GLOW GLOWARRRIOUSSS, Yo, check it. I thought shining bright would be a delight, I didn't know it had to be a fright. People telling me shining bright is my birthright. They didn't know the darkness I carried. I was so unseen. My suffering was a routine." (Love you Biggie).
Damn that was kinda fire, that was a freestyle and I have never shared one publically -- ahhh (look I'm growing as I'm writing about growing, hehe)!
This is when the glow up can be different. When you flow with the natural process of the body and soul, the glowing pains (aka transition period), are pretty mild, salsa verde style. When you can fully feel, then you let go, you get catapulted forward to the end of the mission and fly into the next level.
This level is where you begin to internally source your needs, you speak your truth always, you reclaim all parts of yourself and you are simply all of yourself.
Simple. Simple. Simple.
Just wanted to repeat that word, so it sticks in your brain, in case you have a capitalistic mindset of feeling like you need to burn out to succeed.
So after I wrote this I listened to one of my favorite mediation teachers, Sarah Blondin. She has the most open heart and always softens me so deeply. Her words spoke directly to what I'm glowing through (sorry not sorry for all the lit puns ;)
"It felt safer to hold on to fear and pain, than to open my arms wide and surrender. Letting go can feel natural and right. Scary at times, but also unavoidable. Don’t dig your heels into the earth the whole time you are here. Just become all of this. I am not scared when I soften and surrender. I am safe and one with life. I am only scared when I re-enter the confusion of my mind. My clinging and resistance brings great terror. So I learn from this and I let go. You fighting to keep or push away anything is fruitless. Notice how much energy you’re spending trying to stop the cascading nature of your life and let go."
Mmmmm she just melts me.
I am currently just being in this glow space. I am really loving what I am receiving, attracting, being, giving and emitting. I continue to feel more aligned each week and back in the flow state.
And now that I'm here, taking up a bit more space, shining a wee bit brighter, I am going to start sharing my poems. Thanks so much to Kelli and Collin for inspiring me to share my poetry. EEEEEEEEEK, I can't escape these feelings of vulnerability, but I can still write about them hehe.
Here's a poem I wrote four years ago, it's from the suffering days 😅
THANK YOU SO*UL* MUCH FOR READING MY BLOG!!!!
you da bestest
PS: Please share with anyone who you love (so that's gonna be everyone you know ;) and comment your thoughts or stories, I love to hear your voices! xoxo
PPS: If you are looking for a loving companion to unconditionally support you on your self-discovery journey, I would love to help! I have a beautiful 3-month coaching cocoon and some 1-hour sessions, check them out and email me if you have any questions :)
Ok now, imma go be my introverted extraverted self and not see anyone for a few days 🙈